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Bully Willet | Cosmic Golf | The Good Reverend


Rhom part one: Bully Willet

Definitions: 1) Service-to-Others (STO): awaken/a15.htm; John 15:12; orientat/o01.htm; Urantia Book (UB) 149:6, 2) Service-to-Self (STS): rules/r04.htm; call/c24.htm; UB 53:1; Isaiah 14:12-15, 3) those-who-mourn: STO genetic engineers; awaken/a02.htm; Psalms 103:20, 4) Council of Worlds: rules/r20.htm, 5) Rules of Engagement: rules/r03.htm 6) Copy and paste the base url included below, together with partial links, into your browser for all web-based references. Enjoy!

::: Magical Time Machine :::

So how d'ol King Manny git a Magical Time Machine, Jenn'fer? S'a long story, Poopr! How much longer, Princess? Anytime now, Poopr! Say, why don't you little bugs go keep the Captain company? Princess Jennifer? Yes, Antonio? It's nice of the Monarch to invite us to your party! Is it at the Bug Lodge this year? Every spring break, Ant! Jennifer! What now, Poopr? The Capt'n's been starin' at this icon - wha' is it? Jaguar Golf, Poopr! CAPT'N! Yes, Poopr? FOOL - ya overshot o' time pe'iod! Where da hell we goin'? YIKES!! Sorry, everybody! I'll just .. <click> ..

"Captain" (Agent) MonicaEditor's note: As the embarrassed Captain slams the yellow "ABORT" button - right in the middle of the time transfer (science/s97.htm), the little critters totally lose their central time registration! Then, roughly in this order: the Captain changes into OU Agent Monica and gets mysteriously dropped off in Sebek's temple near the Emperor's Oasis in Crocodilopolis! Lovely Princess Jennifer morphs into gorgeous Princess Laetitia! Ant Antonio morphs quickly into Richard, and Poopr becomes .. uh, OU Agent Bollix, etc. Oh, somewhere in Parallel Timeline 66-09.42008-4 the Monarch is/became the King! Transformed travelers are then instantly sent back in time to where they, in their parallel time line, started: Orientation University (OU)! -End of Editor's note.

.. Commander of the Bravuryyk sure gave us the royal treatment, Kered. Yea, but Princess - why did the King send us home in a Dresselian Battle Cruiser? Maybe He was just trying to be funny, Puff, er, Kered. Princess, I feel dizzy! S'anybody remember what we did on spring break this year? .. Princess Laetitia? .. Oh, LOOK! We're late!

::: Growing Horns in 100 Forward :::

Warm over 'ere! S'that heat commin' from you?!? Shudup, bartender! Who ARE you, Satan? N'why you scratchin' yo head wit yo pointy tail? Gawd, you're genius, Guinan! That jerk excuse fer High Commander of mine been chillin' with ma bitch! Thinks 'e kin 'andle 'er - BWAHAHAHAHAHA! What's is name? Nudnick! Look pencildik, if he works for you, ord'r 'em ta back off! Hey! Yur horns weren't dare an hour ago - wasup?!? GRR-RRR!!! SHADUP, Guinan - or I'll flame your fadass across the galaxy!

Editor's note: As Satan, err, Caligastia (UB 53:1) listens to Guinan's mellifluous wit, he starts thinking about his steamy girlfriend, begins to grow red hot, fries what's left of his plush barstool to a smoking peg, sets off the lounge's alarm/sprinklers (call/c24.htm), and grows horns! The ephemeral Planetary Prince of Lucifer's STS ETs should have simply ordered High Commander Gole M. Nudnick to stay the hell away from women! Super embarrassed Redass however, can't EVER let Nudnick know how fickle he is! So the desperate excuse for the devil, tries to con ol' STO King Manny of Uniramia into another favor!

::: Gole's Sneaky Plan :::

.. duh! You're not listening, MANTID! If shit-fer-brains, Gole ever gets his ass entrenched as the new Dean of OU's College of STS, ol' turd breath will order his lyin' staff to apply for - STEAL - the Pan-Galactic, Bi-O-Matic, Octo-Romance Translator (PBOT)! Just so Nudnick can steal your babe away? Toymaker'll see right through that bs! Besides, that's YOUR problem, Caligastia (call/c10.htm)! AARGH! OK, then I'll ask Lucifer to cancel or drop all ten Council Of Worlds cases against those-who-mourn for breaking the Rules of Engagement! <..Yawn..> the ONE case for helping with Uniramia's Ascension? GRR-AARGH! OK, Manny - I'll help with Uniramia's preying mantid (worlds/w47.htm), world hunger solution! ..

Young Rex::: Ol' Bubba :::

Editor's note: With covert assistance from well-connected buddies (rules/r20.htm), Manny mantid asks Pseth (see Flaffing Gas, Usenet, 1999) to somehow hide the PBOT from Nudnick, but ol' Red weasels out of his promise (John 8:44)! As luck would have it, Nudnick's lackey Sargent Rex was once in a former life King Manny's eldest son Bubba! Quite rebellious, young Bubba was sadly hauled off many moons ago to Dinosaura's STS baby warehouse (worlds/w49.htm) during Satan's nemesis, Schade N. Freude's weekly STS soul harvest!

Anyhoooo, yea, ol' Bubba reincarnated on Dinosauria as Rex, a mean-as-HELL, badass, eight-foot tall tyrannosaurus (beinghum/b20.htm). Nevertheless, short-tempered Sargent Rex sees an opportunity for his OU Synergistic Spiritual Advancement term paper, and prays for an sneaky opportunity to keep Satan, er, Caligastia's original promise .. End of Editor's note.

::: Orientation University :::

Shhhhh! While Laetitia's preachin' to the fake hologram, hack OU's master account! She'll hear me, fruitcake! Bully - the terminal by the black bookcase, stupid! The Princess never gets logged off until the end of the day! Swap Satan's Stealing Lying and Cheating, SLC101's Starbase 69 lab with the Vulcan Drone Barge lab! An' willet! Click ME in charge of the Media project! Shhhh! Toymaker's looking right at you!

Eh-hem .. <snip> .. and for these reasons, OU's chief mission is to create and transfer knowledge! Excellence Now emphasizes continuous improvement in customer satisfaction at the Highest Levels (UB 11)! Highly motivated, well-trained faculty and staff working in teams (UB 28:5) and empowered to make decisions will be the source of our creativity and a key to our success in every density in which we operate! It is Our goal to provide real environments within which this wonderful creative process can thrive .. <snip> .. and here is Professor Laetitia. Princess?

::: College of STO :::

"TQ" dynamic ParetoGreetings, returning faculty .. and to all my new friends! .. <snip> ..

So, some entities from lower densities are under the false impression that Uniramia's ascension is a "haul whatever remains away" Event. Toymaker said however, that from Manager Agents and up, we "will give an accounting for each and every soul that dissipates." (density/d28.htm). Cooperation is the key! ..<snip> .. Hence OU places strong emphases upon helping promising tyros pass tough spiritual tests!

This year, scholarships and Synergy Awards were awarded to students such as Casmera Egret and her friend Ox Pecker, OU Agent Kered, King Manny, Puff Tiddy, Agent Tigris, Snowy Plover, our magnificent singer Alana Willet, (..and many others) to keep our prestigious university profitable! Remember, even STOs are not without self interest (orientat/o14.htm)! College of STO lessons put special emphasis upon STS/STO synergy! Kudos to Schade N. Freude, Bully Willet, and Sargent Rex for unusual creativity in Barth's and Uniramia's Ascensions this year! .. High Commander?

STS professor & grad student::: College of STS :::

Greetings, returning faculty and students! Thank you for this magniloquent opportunity .. <snip> ..

This semester I promise that few STS will flunk this year's entry exam: Fear Fear Fear! Getting a passing grade in STS's infamous FFF100 (orientat/o24.htm) now only requires that STS students NEVER let third density skum know that by fearing, they actually give us their permission to drive stupid mantids leaning in that direction, those contemplating fearful thoughts, further in that direction! Those who are fearful are very much looking out for themselves (call/c15.htm)! .. <snip> ..

Suave, Charming, and Diplomatic SCD201 now has advanced, SCD300 class (call/c10.htm), as does first year year, White Lies 100. WL100 now has a second semester WL101 (govmt/g13.htm)! Next, the popular STS SQUAB100 also has a new follow-up, SQUAB 101 (rules/r04.htm)! And lastly I'd like to announce that ALL Seniors now have bi-monthly Synergy Soul Harvest bonus exams!

Remember suckers - err, recruits - numbers mean everything! STS take 'em all! The key to success is "the goal stated," not our REAL goal - hauling truckloads of 3rd density mantid trash off to the Galactic Baby Warehouse (GBW, worlds/w49.htm)! Yea .. Sargent, er, Professor Rex, our new, distinguished, erudite, Professor of STS's SLC101 reminds me that a limited supply of Secret OU STS foil hats can now keep those worthless, sleazy, vile, those-who-mourn from readin' our f* minds .. <snip> .. Lots of excitement - be prepared! Oh, Professor Jubatus (see Secret Garden, Usenet, 1999) would like to let Graduate students know that College of STS executions, er, encouragement (rules/r39.htm), should be authorized 48 hours in advance this semester!

::: Uniramia Lecture :::

Casmera - really! After private massages, er, mentoring from Toymaker, Laetitia was of course in on the whole damn thing from Lucifer on down (UB 54:6), and had only last week replaced the Vulcan Drone Barge lab with OU's very own Zykor mothership! You know, they used to play footsies under the table in the cafeteria - all during lunch last year! Oooops - Snowy! She's talking to you!

Earthlings - strange!Uniramia Lab is in part, a database collection of empirical cosmic research (so try to be on good behavior - ya lil' brats!). Plover, your wing raised? Yes, Princess, er, Professor Laetitia! Truth in proper amounts is received by those mantids ready to receive it, as what it really is - love! Duh! So what's King Manny waiting for, HELL to freeze over? Snowy, ENOUGH! Casmera Egret? Yes, Professor! Mantids fortunate to have been blessed with an IQ above -25 know that they are being visited and evaluated by many of us (visitatn/v16.htm; awaken/a02.htm) just prior to their Ascension! But by the time bovine mantids figure it all out, many of us will have had to fly away to other assignments! Glad you two are payin' attention, Ms. Egret!

Mr. Willet, your wing raised? Yea - mantid geeks make good 151 - let 'em use SETI to beam us their recipe! ENOUGH, Bully Willet! Agent Kered - conjecture? Wise mantids, professor, though often fearful, are beginning to understand what NO FEAR really means! Many are learning to trust the one Eternal Creator! Mantids have discovered for the first time how much their Creator loves them (UB 5:3)! Most excellent, Dr. Kered - you will go far!

::: Uniramia's Ascension :::

Then why the Insect Tsunami, Princess - to squish fearful mantids? Richard, Bully's question? Sure, professor! Easy one! The Eternal Creator is challenging mantids to a higher level of faith than mantids previously knew even existed (UB 5:5; UB 50:7)! Moreover, faith precipitates miracles most mantids desire! Mantid's that are ready (at least 50% of the time), able (they think of others), and willing (they desire to keep their current incarnation) can easily move to safety (transfor/t10.htm, Rev. 3:10)! Students: can your loving Eternal Creator, in the midst of a storm, cataclysm, or discomfort of any size, protect an ant, a mantid, a mixed orientation family, a farm, a single building, or even downtown Mantopolis if the situation merited it (rules/r27.htm, John 8:51)?

::: How Many Decisions? :::

Laetitia! What, Snowy? We need 89% STO (density/d17.htm), or 88.99%? Or is it is really ANY big percentage well beyond our current reach, like 88%? 87%? 85..79%? And do all entities need millions of decisions (orientat/o39.htm) over thousands of lifetimes? Everybody progress at the exact same rate? Does the cleverness or appropriateness of the test have an affect upon the entity? Suppose mantid Elites begin to earn Synergy Awards? An' finally, what can mantid kickass STO's and lightworkers do to encourage spiritually weaker STOs from wimpin' out (transfor/t07.htm)?

Awesome questions, Snowy!

Professor! What, Agent Bollix? Soul Harvest always means termination of the incarnation! Well, not necessarily, Bollix! In our case, if the Ascension comes before the Insect Tsunami (density/d17.htm), mantids in the new 4th density can still visit chosen STS or STO ambassadors (density/d11.htm), or even a prior family! Many mantids will visit, vacation, or move to new planets (density/d47.htm) in a cocoon of love!

::: Special Assignment :::

King Manny said what? Alright - scare the insects, Sargent! But the mantid Ascension HAS to be synchronized with OU class assignments! Bollix and Kered! Yes, Professor? We're going over the creative logistics of some students taking SLC101 and TQ401, in different colleges in the same semester!

::: Uniramia Projects :::

First, although it looks like OU has put you in charge of the Media project, you CAN'T be on Uniramia's Mantopolis Media manipulation, Bollix! Why, Princess? I'm the smartest one in class! Bollix, Nudnick's changed SLC101's lab - you're not using Starbase 69! According to Rex's class correction website, you have to be back at SLC101's Vulcan Drone Barge lab before it gets to Kappa, Della Velorum and Epsilon! Agent Kered says that you should switch with him and take Uniramia's Mantida Media project instead. Wha??? That's just another one of Kered's filthy phuckin' lies - that dork has to be back there too! Not until the Klazian Talon 4 System, Bollix! Kered: Mantopolis!

::: PLX-01Ws! :::

Editor's note: Sargent, er, OU Agent Rex orders minion Bollix on a Call (call/c00.htm) to harvest, err, save mantids! Nefarious Nudnick reminds OU's Agent Rex that there is a little town on the opposite side of Insect Mountain from Mantopolis called Mantida that has two huge factories! The first factory makes orange gelatin, and the other manufactures something all good R1s (an android, like Bollix, Admiral Marion Leet) wear out - PLX-01Ws!

Using local Uniramia ISPs, instead of partial or even funny truths, Agent Bollix orders minion Kered to begin posting intentionally misleading lies, mixed with truth, so that Mantidites are totally confused! They hear about the Insect Tsunami, get dosed with laughing gas (transfor/t79.htm) and make an incredible amount of orange gelatin!

::: The Heist :::Guard raptor!

Bollix beams down to Mantida from SLC101's Vulcan Drone Barge while on it's merry way (transfor/t06.htm) to class assignments in open star cluster NGC 2516. Just while Bollix is sneaking past the hungry guard raptors at the PLX-01W factory, the fearful town folk open the gelatin factory's floodgates and flood Mantida with up to 6 feet deep of yucky orange goo (to prevent the panicking mantids from bumping into each other)! Agent Bollix is Number One on Sargent Rex's Soul Harvest list! If Bollix hadn't tried to save a baby from drowning, ol' Rex was just about ready to haul ol' Fartbreath off to the Galactic Baby Warehouse (GBW, worlds/w49.htm) on the spot! So sneaky ol' Rex makes other plans for Bollix ..

::: STO Call :::

Well praise God! After OU hauls Bollix's as$ back to the Vulcan Drone Barge, Agent Kered and other STO ambassadors begin answering tons of calls (call/c00.htm) from STO mantids! SACRED DUTY: Save Mantopolis from Sargent Rex's, artificially created, Insect Tsunami (Sargent Rex, Usenet, 1999), which may squish everything in it's insect wake! A suburb of Mantopolis is just about to be flooded with insects; YIKES!

::: WARP 10, SCOTTY! :::

Just then, Toymaker born and raised, cosmic-jock Kered's iconoclastic and mind-blowin' newsgroup posts (and website efforts) hit pay dirt! Kered's All-Star, All-Density, TQ401 synergistic team efforts convince an increasing number - the vast majority of mantids - to think of others as much as they think of themselves! HALLELUJAH!

As the percentage of solid, unwavering, STO mantids begins to climb higher - steadily upward, hordes of advanced TQ401/SLC101 STS students go AWOL (orientat/o19.htm; wimps)! Next, supposedly third density Uniramia mantids begin to register each other's thoughts of genuine concern for one another (awaken/a56.htm)! Oh, one for the X files: Freshman OU students finally learn what it takes to make Toymaker cry! (MAMASBOY!)

The percentages of STOs warp up - and up one final time to critical mass (88.9 percent STOs)! Then like a bolt of lightning, the King makes a courtesy call in the skies over Mantopolis just as the laws of physics blow all to hell (Matthew 24:27)! The horde of frightened, mountain insects now only run along fourth density ground - essentially dinner to mantids that gather and eat them! Quite the show!

::: Media Blitz :::

So, by King Manny's request, OU Agent Kered arranges for Amalgamated TV and newspaper employee's (who were holding this info against their will for HOURS) orgasmic morning TV, radio, and newspaper blitz with "Kered" stories and Insect Tsunami news! Anyhooo, TV bulletins and newspapers are soon recalled anyway, and replaced with silly excuses and look-alike versions that make the whole damn thing look like someone was running a War Of The Mantis Worlds test! -End of Editor's note.

::: Orthos and Cagn :::

War of the Worlds - is that on every friggin' station? Put in a CD, Cagn! Traffic SUCKS, Orthos! Cagn, where all the yummy insects comin' from?! I'm a HUNGRY! Yea, right, Orthos! Jump out and eat! Cagn! open yur window, quick! MOVE IT, G R A N D M A! Shit - she's lettin' everybody in front of her - I HATE when that happens!

::: Marilyn Mantid :::Marilyn

INSECT TSUNAMI! THE BATS ARE COMIN'! Cagn - QUICK! Check the friggin' receptor stimulation in the Vette! OH MY GAWD - yo' grandma's gettin' out! Holy BAY WATCH, Orthos! .. HEY! PREHENSILE BABE - AWESOME cuticle! IM IN LOVE! COME 'E R E ! .. MERCY!

.. You CARNIVOROUS, insect, PIG! Stick yur SICKASS, prothorax back in! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE - DUMB SHIT!! We can't move! WE'RE ALL STUCK!! INSECT TSUNAMI - EEEEEEEK!

Chill, babe,
An' learn d'drive!
Your first time on da 405?

- I'll give ya tsunami!

Orthos - quit yur rappin' - that bitch 'll chew ya out! Tell 'er the future's not written (transfor/t19.htm; call/c23.htm; transfor/t21.htm)! HEY! Where ya goin? Orthos, come back! Cagn! Grab the six-pac! Come on - DINNER TIME!

Editor's Note: The gridlocked mantids end up getting out of their cars and running around the freeway trying to catch a free meal as the yummy insects come running into town .. just in time for the starving mantid's dinner! - End of Editor's note.

-- The Middle --

See also: "An Introduction to the Study of Insects", Sixth Edition. Borror, Triplehorn and Johnson. Harcourt Brace College Publishers; "Cephalopods of the World", Kir M. Nesis, 1982, and Octopus and Squid. "The Soft Intelligence", Jacque-Yves Cousteau and Philippe Diole, 1973; Isaiah 54:17, thub.htm, Joel 2:31-32, govmt/g22.htm, Psalm 91, transfor/t55.htm, John 8:51, poleshft/p32.htm, Rev.3:10; Stewart Kenyon, "Hydroponics for the Home Gardner", Key-Porter Books Limited, 1992; Raymond Bridwell, "Hydroponics Gardening". Woodbridge Press Publishing Co., 1998, "Compton's Interactive Encyclopedia", The Learning Company Properties Inc., 1998; "Grolier Multimedia Encyclopedia", The Software Toolworks, Inc., 1993; "You Can't Be Serious!", Readin' All This, Ltd., pp. 107-151, Sheeesh, 1989; transfor/t80.htm; transfor/t84.htm; http://www.zetatalk.com/transfor/t85.htm; "Cosmic Golf", "Sargent Rex", and "OU's Bug Garden", xenoclastic (Johnny), Usenet, 1998-2002; Urantia Book 53:1-2;


March 11, 1999.

Cosmic Golf (Part 1 of 3) (back to top)

Cosmic golfDefinitions: 1) Service-to-Others (STO): awaken/a15.htm; orientat/o01.htm; John 15:12; awaken/a04.htm, 2) "those-who-mourn": STO genetic engineers; awaken/a02.htm; Psalms 103:20, 3) Service-to-Self (STS): rules/r04.htm, 4) STS ETs: call/c24.htm; Urantia Book (UB) 53:1; Isaiah 14:12-15, 5) Stormy Weather: Rev. 6:12-14; 6) Meaning of Life: Matthew 22:37-39; UB 130:4; (for 3rd density:) transfor/t25.htm, 7) Toymaker: makes toys, 8) Orientation University (OU): Toymaker's Cosmic University, 9) CCA: Cosmic Competitive Advantage; OU TQ401's Mission Statement; UB 55:12, 10) Council: Council of Worlds; rules/r03.htm, 11) Hybrid: hybrids/h00.htm - hybrids/h45.htm.

Please copy and paste the base url, located below, along with partial links into your web browser for all web-based references. Enjoy!

::: Sub Commander Spoof :::

As Warrior androids, cyborgs, jellyfish, and hominoids, you know Zykor's mission is to take Photon Ascension Technology to Earth (density/d17.htm; UB 31:3; Jonah 3:6-10; CCA), prior to the arrival of the Ubrikkian Death Star (thub.htm). We'll warp West to open star cluster NGC 2516. Royal Authority (Matthew 28:18) destroyed all Rebel bases (Isaiah 14:12-15) in Sector Four in preparation for the Ascension (hybrids/h00.htm). It's mop up time!

Zykor's (OU's cloaked Zetan Mothership) transponder will register as a Vulcan Drone Barge. Can't Wellerian defense systems decode that crapola by hiding behind double star systems, Spoof? Mayeeee Ieee finish, Ambassador Bunkr? Sorry, Sub Commander! Mars based R3 (hybrids/h10.htm; hybrids/h09.htm) report Rebels have not taken notice. Ambassador Bunkr will go over Tactical shortly.

::: Captain 6 of 9 and Bunkr :::"Captain" 6 of 9

That's you I'm playing footsies with, isn't it, Captain? Shhhh - got energy leaks.. Ambassador, you're next. I'll be right back! Adjusting your PLX-01W, R1? Bunkr .. I've heard you pontificate .. (yawn). Captain, ya know, if that lil' Zeta DEMON wasn't surgically altered to look Vulcan .. FORGET IT, R1. Spoof - hominoid; Bunkr - depraved android! See ya when I get back, Ewefo!

Eh-hem! Thank you Sub Commander. As we warp past Kappa, Delta Velorum, and Epsilon, Zykor's 57-C Munitions Holoscanners will detect anything within 1,000 parsecs of ..

<< RED ALERT - RED ALERT >>

Sub Commander, whaah? Captain 6 of 9, R3 scouts are signaling (hybrids/h33.htm; hybrids/h37.htm) we're approaching Gamma Velorum. Tactical? We're taking damage from automated Wellerian Star Destroyer assets, Captain. Swamp Gas arrays are draining our fourth density shields!

Bunkr, photon torpedoes! Wait, Captain, their 57C's are sync'd with Bertrak screaming X7 Active Jammers, causing bursts of macrothrust disintegration rays. Spoof? Affirmative, Captain. Deck 4 has received lethal laughter from 9H-Y3 Ion Timer Mines!

Bunkr, no photons .. only phasers! .. Captain - encrusted tribble poop all over the firing button! Damn - phasers off line - I HATE when that happens!

<< BOOOM - KAHH - BAAHH - WOOOOM >>

Starboard shields off line, Captain! Through STONES, Bunkr! Firing Kuat M250 Micro Planet spread spectrum JX6 ion beams, Captain!

<< KA-BLAHH-WOOOOOM! >>

Close, Bunkr! Flying bucket of bolts! Conjecture, Sub Commander? Analysis, Captain: R3 (hybrids/h04.htm) would have used Ion beams - first..

Grrrr .. Bad hair day - pointy eared, STS HobGoblin (hybrids/h14.htm)! R1 tech can kick R3 butt any day! My apologies, 69.. It's "Captain," Chrome Dome! Androids RULE! Sorry, Princess Magnil O. Quent. Run off and adjust your Borg PLX-01W. Infrared emissions are overloading Ops. Wouldn't you just *love* to, BUG-eyes! Sleazy, disgusting, STS Probot (hybrids/h06.htm; hybrids/h09.htm)! L-A-D-I-E-S! Po-lease..

Ubrikkian Death StarSorry, Bunkr. Come 'ere. Closer. Look, you twerp: while you 'ere screwing with your joystick at Tactical, helm was irradiated with infrared - from Orion PLX-01W - way over from Ops! Spoof's blaming me! Sorry 69, you were leaning like, way over the Command chair! Hmmm .. "..Captain and Intern," Bunkr? On the f* Bridge?!? Take a cold oil bath, Captain - I have to send updated telemetry from the Ubrikkian Death Star fast approaching Earth to Royal Authority.

Listen 6 of 9 .. that hominoid's got a 'tude. Pssst! She puts pet Wuukiees in her microbe bath (hybrids/h20.htm; hybrids/h26.htm)! Stay a parsec away - for your own safety! Helm, 14 degrees north of NGC 2516 - to the double star. Captain? Sub Commander? Ship's hull heating up, Sir! I'm sensing danger from sentient Klas..

Amalgamated Press' debunker rehabilitation camp reporter!KA-BOOOOM!

Spoof - report!

Almalgamated Press' drones proved Klas was NEVER sentient! Did we take damage, R3?

Sir! I am not a hybrid! Klasian Talon 4 Combat Cloud Matrix - causing temperature inversions, sir! Bunkr! Phasers! No affect, Captain! Photons! No affect! Captain? Yes, Spoof? Picking up ship-to-ship from approaching vessel. Hailing .. Captain!

::: Surprise :::

Visuals, Sub Commander! Greetings, 6 of 9! This is High Commander Hole Flaffer of the Dresselian Warship Von FrugelBlitzz. Off line, quick! THE .. Hole Flaffer? Advanced degrees in atomic physics, cosmology, comedy, tap dance, sexology, and Med R2 too, Bunkr? Standard issue, Dresselian R2 Cyborg, Captain - cheap, f*, space debris!

<< KA-BLOOOOM >>

Hull breach on decks 14 and 23, Captain!! Helm - evasive maneuvers! <BEEP .. BEEP> Captain 6 of 9, Hole Flaffer here! The Klasian Talon 4 is in the shape of an upside down "Y", with the command center in between the spokes of their Central Computer Matrix! Flaffer - H-E-L-P!

Tactical? Captain, the Von FrugelBlitzz has taken a hit - sensors damaged! Flaffer, the Zykor can't get through the Matrix - stand down - it's not what you think! Do NOT enter Flaffer!

6 of 9, I'm commin' in, so long as it "has decent" Matrix .. FLAFFER!! DON'T BE A F* IDIOT!!

6 of 9? Yes, Spoof? That Wolf-Rayet is 50,000 F in there - causing temperature inversions! Holy s#*t! Flaffer - listen Up! You'll fry your Lurrian-hardened you-know-what in 0.1 nanoseconds! Stellar winds are blowing gaseous outer layers up the Von FrugelBlitzz's wazoo! That shit's flying more than 1,000 miles a second! Captain!?! Hole Flaffer has turned about, powering up - firing! << KA-BOOOOOM! >> A Direct hit!

Way-to-go, Flaffer! Why, thanks 6 of 9 .. I'm beaming aboard!

Captain. Wait! No! Bunkr? 6 of 9, po-lease do NOT let that obnoxious pervert beam ..<BZZZZ-ZZZZZZ> Hi Captain! High Commander Hole Flaffer! How did you do it, Doctor? When the temperature inversion set off the CL-40 Antimatter Cluster bombs, we fired ST-XH Concussion Missiles. Klasian Talon 4 automated defense spit Series G7 Antiproton Torpedoes (hybrids/h38.htm)! Just then ..

::: English, Spoof? :::Kelvarkian spectrum matrix!

Once attacking FrugelBlitzz got clear visuals on the upper Matrix, the High Commander instantly 180'd, creating fortuitous, isotropic point-source, radiating elliptically polarized Kelvarke Pink Spectrum energy! The holographic Y1K Image Singularity destroyed the Central Matrix!

Captain. May I have a word? Bunkr? It was a f* accident!!! That overflowing, R2, Barvarian space toilet can't flush his way out of a ..

EWEY baby - whoa did you ever get FAT (hybrids/h06.htm; hybrids/h14.htm)! <Yawn> My ol' Royal Academy pedant, with hot pink hair! Gimme a hug .. Captain Ewefo D. Bunkr! It's AMBASSADOR Bunkr, barf breath! What a moroon! Need somewhere to garden tonight, Dicky (hybrids/h21.htm)?

Ignore him, Doc ..

Flaffer, adjust my PLX-01W? Sorry, Captain - got ship repairs; another time? Captain! What, Sub Commander? Von Frugelblitzz's antimatter core took damage - it's unstable, Sir!

Po-leeze Doc, I'm infrared - outa' spec! What does it take! If I only had my R3 med (hybrids/h12.htm).. Eh-hem, Bunkr, it seems a Med R2's job is never done! Ok, Captain - let's hurry. Great, doc! I'll be right back, Spoof. Bunkr, Helm!

CAPTAIN .. Dresselian technology sucks! Guess what? Sub Commander Spoof is really a STO, those-who-mourn, with sealed orders from the Council! And Spoof's pet Wuukiee pooped all over the Captain's chair - YUCK!! Snooping through the Captain's log, Bunkr? Captain .. come back! Flaffer's Intern gave him nanites (hybrids/h14.htm)! And he's *not* a med R2! Po-leese ..C-A-P-T-A-I-N ! ..

Good to see you, Doctor. Same, 6 of 9. R2 upgrades, Princess (hybrids/h16.htm; UB 15:14)??

<BEEP .. BEEP> .. Wait, Hole .. <BEEP .. BEEP>.. stupid .. <BEEP .. BEEP> .. communicator .. CLICK! Whew! What's that, Hole? New Med kit. Why, Princess! Do Borg R1 PLX-01Ws go infrared, or what?!?

That's *your* '01W, silly - look! Ooooops! Uh, well, wait till you see what I won from an octopus in Lake Vegus. Honoghr? Saturday! Holy Weather Balloons (http://www.zetatalk.com/worlds/w15.htm) Doc!? It's called a Pan-galactic, Bi-O-Matic, Octo-Romance Translator, Princess! .. No more tweezers, Dick? Don't quit your day job, Captain ..

<< RED ALERT - RED ALERT >> Back away! QUICK, dip stick! Emergency thrusters, Bunkr! CAPTAIN?!? Where the hell were you! Flaffer! The Von FrugelBlitzz's EIE-5M antimatter core has been breached!

..Too late (hybrids/h18.htm; Acts 13:46; hybrids/h21.htm)! Flaffer's ship may ..

<< KA-BLOOOOOOM >>

..explode .. Sir!

::: To be continued :::

See also: Tom Polakis, "Vela and Carina," Astronomy, April 1999, pp. 80-81; UB 3:5; CCA Mission Statement: Design and build System X, that eventuates experiential Method Y, that continually increases the enjoyment and satisfaction of existential love, raising and redefining the height of God's ultimate satisfaction, Z; Bill Smith. "Star Wars The Essential Guide(s)": Vehicles and Vessels, Weapons and Technology; and Daniel Wallace, "Star Wars The Essential Guide to Droids", Ballantine Publishing Group, New York.
- - - -

March 16, 1999

Cosmic Golf (Part 2 of 3) (back to top)

::: There Can Be Miracles :::

Cut it out, Snowy - your art sucks! An' go get bigger crayons, snot-nosed brat! Mommy! Bully Willet's eating my art! Bully, give Snowy Plover some room! He has an important part in the Children's Exhibit in the Festival! This is my territory, Ms. Plover, and it's my dinner time too! It's always *your* dinner time. Eat your own art, Bully!

Shorebirds! Anthem rehearsal kiddies! Bully, you're first. Only if you let me do MY opening song for the Festival! Alana Willet says she's singing the Beach Art Festival opening song! I'll decide - later! Bully? BULLY! Ok, Ms. Plover, "Seek Father's provision daily." Good. Alana? "Seek His provision expectantly!" Excellent! Snowy? "Seek His provision actively, taking responsibility to gather it in." Very good, Snowy - everyone! Princess Laetitia will be so proud of us!

::: Richard's Escape :::Richard

Thanks for givin' me a shoulder to cry on, Pseth. Tough luck, Richard. They don't give refunds? Eh, $49 weekend special. Say, where're ya headin? ..Beach. What?!? The Beach At The End Of The Universe? Depressed, Rich? Gimme a break, Pseth. I heard from ol' Blu you were juz out there last Eon, schmozzin' up widda Princess!

Rich bitch! Don't remind me.. Gimme your summons! Hey Richie boy - you weren't called!! What do you mean, Pseth? Our computer's Galactic Unique IDs didn't have enough digits to span multiple densities last eon! You're summon's ID doesn't have the right CORB prefix! Ya mean .. I'm excused, Pseth? You wish, dude! Look - friend, we're hurtin' bad - it's Satan's High Commander, Gole M. Nudnick's session against those-who-mourn - again! Nobody ever wants to hear the case. Council took a two-week vacation!

Tell you what, Richie-me-boy .. make it back in time for the opening statements, an' I'll let ya borrow the Uniramia Mantodea's Time Travel Kiosk - it's just happens to be in storage. Mean that refurbished one being stored for "Y3K" - on deck 477, Pseth? Hey - dude, it's one smokin' box! Juz brought it back last century for a little joy ride an' my girlfriend loves it - just DO NOT hit the big yellow "Abort" button in the middle of a transfer. Hey, I owe ya one, Pseth! Outa here ..

::: Love Is In The Air :::Beach at the End Of The Universe

<BZZZZZZZ-ZZZZZZZZ> Hey mister - hold my kitten for me? Well - ok. Uh, what's your name? Nichole. Cat's? Frankie. Hmmm. Kinda cute, All black.. Oh yuck! She's wet! She always gets sand all over her when I bring her to the beach. That doesn't bother me, Nichole - but hurry back. Thanks mister..

Hi! Nice kitten you have there - an' she's so cute! Yours? Uh, no. Just holding it for a kid that went in the tee shirt shop. Say, nice aerobics there! And uh, smokin' 2 piece too! Haven't I seen you before - like in my dream? I'm Laetitia, and you? Richard .. Can I pet your cutie lil' kitten? Sure. 'Er name's Frankie. Bring her up the step? No thanks, Rich. I'll just bend over and pet her from here. ..Er, gulp, nice Orange Blossoms out here. Frankie is sooo cute, Rich. C'mon over and have a soda? S'my towel - right there.. Oh. I noticed, Laetitia.. I'm uh, glad I thought of it first!! Be there in a min.. Nichole!?!

Richard! Come 'ere. Closer. Remember me? Uh, no.. Back in High! Uh, wasn't that like, billions of years ago? Hmmm.. 455? ..About yourself, Laetitia - parents live around here? Dad lives up North a wee bit, Rich. You can sit closer, silly, I don't nibble too much..

Editor's note: Well, over time, Laetitia gets to know Rich well, and Rich is in *love*! But ol' Richie-boy don't have a c-l-u-e folks! So voluptuous ol' Laetitia starts a diggin' down real deep and dredges up her old boyfriend's line about Shorebird facts of life to ol' bird-lovin' Rich, who doesn't know Jack Shit about shorebirds since he was just an occasional sea gull and stork watcher himself. Then, like an inspiration outa Heaven, impatient Laetitia gently leans so far over that her award-winning, Galactic Orange Blossoms nearly knock google-eyed, red-faced Richie into the 8th Density! She tenderly explains to ecstatic Richie how happy lil' shorebirds reproduce by creating colorful "egg art" in tide-washed, sandy areas. Mating activities create colorful, unique, ambient, sentient art! Gently holding Richard's hand, she explains that their artwork, like snowflakes, is never exactly alike, and gives Richie a lil' hug! Enlightened, CATATONIC Rich clearly sees that each nip, er, hatchling has to be faaahr apart and begins a blowin' magnium antimatter crystals outa every port, sayin' the Sinner's prayer - in tongues - with Hail Mary toppings (UB 34:7)! She explains that mating couples can not reproduce in crowded areas - the best artwork is painted in tabula rasa. So romantic lil' Laetitia - now on her hands and knees - rotates 180 degrees away from Rich so that what's left of ol' Richard is juzza now starin' clear off to fresh fruit carts in downtown Morocco, five densities below Endor! Laetitia innocently calls her sentient shorebird friends (on the beach next to her) over to her towel for cookies and milk - End of Editor's note.

So - Richard ever coming back, Princess Laetitia? Said he was going to take a cold shower a yarn ago, Alana! ..Richard, meet Alana! Whoa! A talking willet - I love to watch you lil' guys on the shores around Playa del Rey bicycle path West of Fisherman's Village! How did you learn to talk? We have always communicated, Rich - even before we became sentient! We understood you sweet talkin' us - back then - Dude! Rich? Yes, Laetitia? Do you remember your high school project? Was that about perturbations or something, Laetitia? You helped me try to build a System X water world, silly - tried to show me equation subscript variable errors (science/s11.htm)..

::: Sentient Art :::

Alana uh, explain sentient art? Sure, Richie! We dance around in our mating rituals, endlessly creating colorful, artsy-looking sand-shell amalgams from our hatchlings for the Beach Art Festival. Our longest running monochrome act was the Hill Art Festival, held right up there - many eons ago. The connoisseurs complained however, that once in position, we never shared our mating facilities. But Princess Laetitia was honest with us! She said our creativity and quality - sucked! Hence, less aesthetic art, and hardly any color, so the whole beach suffered horribly! Widespread sadness, stocks rebounded only 1 per cent per day - the whole bit! Sob, sob - I juz can't take it any more ..

Come back, Alana. But why, sweetheart? The Beach Art Festival was much more successful Richard, because it was performed right on the beach, where our tides keep the art pallets clean and fresh on the average every 3,657 minutes (poleshft/p05.htm; myths/m04.htm)! We happy lil' shorebirds love to play near those tricky ol' waves as they come crashing in tryin' to catch us, but they never do! What's wrong with that sweetheart? You make me want to cry!

::: Sad Doggy :::

Well, the downside was that the tide often caused a rather unpleasant end to most of the newly created life forms! However, to counteract this unpleasant effect, most loving shorebirds come by and tenderly take up their mature, beautiful hatchlings that were willing to leave, up to safer ground (rules/r27.htm). Oh, I see. Hmmm.. Say Alana, would you *please* chirp the Shorebird Spangled Banner to me? No problemo - but why don't you come to the Show, Richard? Uh, after you sing it - and give me a little birdie hug, I'll go check my calendar, Ok?

Dad's place::: Dad's Place :::

You never told me you were frigging PRINCESS Laetitia! Shhhh .. Hi dad! Meet Richard! Hi son! Oh King, live forever! I am not worthy to be in your castle! Forgive me, oh King! Richard! This isn't military school! Stand up! How's Pseth doing these days? Oh King, I forgot! I am so sorry! I am late for the Council! Peace - be still, silly propeller head! I took care of it for you - it was such a prosaic session anyway. Hmmm.. I can see that you like my Daughter! Oh wise King - may your dominion be without end! Your fair and altruistic daughter Laetitia is - without exception - *the* most beautiful woman in the whole Universe (UB 15) - in any density! I am honored, oh Great King! <Click.> Laetitia? Yes dad? Get my friggin' boots.. C'mon dad - I like him! <Click. > Richard - "though hope is frail, it's hard to kill" - remember that! We have some things to talk about. First, Pseth asked me to ask you to run a little errand for him.

::: Back on Zykor :::

<BIZZZZZZ-ZZZUUUUFFFF> Richard! You are 0.1415927 nanoseconds late!

Sorry Spoof, got sidetracked. Can they hear us? Can't detect the density switch with positronics suspended. Oooops! It's been awhile, Spoof - forgot. Here're new secret orders from Council. And that? Oooops - was told to give this to you: some presents. Thank you, Rich. So - change your mind about staying for the presentation, Rich? Sheeesh - you guys are good at that mind reading s#*t - Nope. I'm in love, Spoof - gotta jet! <BIZZZZZZ..live long and..prosper..ZZZUUUUFFFF>

<Click. >.. That's TREASON, Spoof! *Think*, 6 of 9 - and I'll explain. Oooops! <Click. > Picking up ship-to-ship from approaching vessel. Hailing .. Captain!

::: Blu? :::

Visuals, Sub Commander! Greetings, Captain 6 of 9! This is Commander Blu of the Dresselian Battle Cruiser Bravuryyk. Permission to come aboard? Off line, quick! THE .. Commander Blu? From retirement? Advanced degrees in atomic physics, cosmology, magikology, Windmill, sexology, and rocket scientist R2 too, Bunkr? Standard Issue, Dresselian R2 Cyborg, Captain - <BZZZZ-ZZZZZZ> ..

Captain! Commander Blu! Sorry to barge in ..Dick! Captain of the Good ol' Ship Lollypop now, eh? Hi Blu..sorry about .. Damn! I just hate when that happens! Blu? Yes, Captain? Sub Commander Spoof would like a word with you, then we'd be honored if you would join us in 100 Forward for a drink - reasonable? Ok.. After you, Captain!

Another 151 and caffeine free pepzi, Bunkr? 250 are enough, Troy. Thanks! Hole Flaffer, so I hear you were headin' South? Was..<Click. > Sorry, Spoof: keep this private. That Dresselian Battle Cruiser Bravuryyk transponder is really commin' from the cloaked Ubrikkian Dreadnaught Promethean! How we gonna hide THAT from the crew, dumb s#!t? Nasty, nasty, Captain..<Click>.

Look, Captain! NGC 2547 - just 1,300 light-years from Earth! It's sooo beautiful. It looks like I could just reach out through the window and touch it this close, Commander. Hey Blu! There's your ship commin aro .. HOLY KINSEY REPORT BLU - WHAT'S THAT MOTHER? Oh that? Juzza lil' toy I picked up. Doctor? Dick! Listen up! Sealed orders, new codes, everything - the keys, Flaffer - and that ain't no bull. Try not to blow it up?!? Holy shit, Blu! - hey, where ya' goin?

What's life without a few enigmas, Flaffer? Thanks for the drinks, Captain, Sub Commander, High Commander. And thanks, Troy - now *that* was a [-cut-] Tequila Sunrise! Tomorrow night, dear - 06:00? Oh - shed Riker. <BIZZZZZZ..Gotta jet..ZZZUUUUFFFF>

<< RED ALERT - RED ALERT >> Bunkr? Captain 6 of 9, it's Bormanian Nova Battle class hyperspace Weather Balloons - off Stern! Thirty seconds to detonation! Captain! Helm, evasive maneuvers! Flaffer, nice work .. Doctor..

::: To be continued :::

To probe further: Shorebird Anthem: George Mooth; Psalms 104:27-28; W. Houston, M. Carey, "When You Believe," Dreamworks, Arista, and Columbia Records; Urantia Book 15:1-7; density/d17.htm; Jonah 3:6-10; Proverbs 3:5-6; Matthew 22:37-39; System X: imaginary cosmic construction experiment; http://www.zetatalk.com/transfor/t25.htm
- - - -

March 22, 1999

Cosmic Golf (Part 3 of 3) (back to top)

::: Cosmic Trophy :::

ElevatorSomeone spilled chehwy cola! Ambassador Lohim's gonna be mad! Hurry Snowy! My foot got stuck, mom! Quick! Everybody in?

A1-B2-C3-D4-E5-F6-I9-H8-J10

"J", Alana.

<ZZZZZZTHUNK>. What ever happened to "G", Ms. Plover? Don't know, Bully. Goofy giants must have put "I's" holoden where the seventh was by mistake! Is the King gonna hug me again tonight, mommy? Don't know.. he squeezes me too hard! - I'm juz little! Remember Shorebirds; be back an hour early for the show! Ok, Princess!

<ZZZZZZTHUNK> Out! Home at last .. Laetitia, look .. your friend's back! ..

Hard to port! He's already onboard, Captain! << KA-BLOOOOM >> Stupid idiot! I said Helm, hard .. << KA-BLOOOM >> Bunkr!! J12 autoturbolasers - offline, Captain! Phasers! Damn encrusted tribble poop - offline too! Photons, Bunkr! Captain? Yes, Spoof? Sensors show Bormanian Nova Battle class hyperspace weather balloons are using T-22 mind fragmentation grenades, Sir. Bunkr - DX-10 Photon disruptors! << KA-BLOOOOM >>! It popped!

::: E. Lohim :::

Helm, Gum Nebula, Warp 9! << SWOOOOSSSSSHHHH >>

Ambassador E. Lohim!? Permission to come aboard, 6 of 9? .. Bumpy ride! Sorry, E - you beamed into fabrications, lies, and half-truths (Urantia Book 53)! We supposed to be meeting with Earth reps? Ambassador?!? Then why aren't you heading for the rendezvous? Duh - helm, Puppis, Warp 10. Damn data error! Captain? What, Sub Commander? Picking up ship-to-ship from the High Commander, Sir!

Visuals, Spoof. Flaffer? 6 of 9! Long-range sensors (worlds/w23.htm) show Wolfmanian T-17 Skyhoppers emitting strong fabrications - closing! << KA-BLOOOOM >> HOLY S#%T! - They've cored out decks 12 thru 44 with one Q7 class Sun Crusher beam! 6 of 9? Yes, E? Let Flaffer handle 'em! Helm, 90 degrees starboard - NOW! << KA-BLOOOOM >> Shields toasted, Captain! FLAFFER!!

Wolfmanian - WARNING - Resistance Is Futile! << KA-BLOOOOM >>

Captain, High Commander Flaffer's destroyed Wolf's 10-7 Nerve Disruptors! Holy $#%T! Skyhopper's firing illegal Agonizer-7 Brain Jamming!

<< KA-BLOOOOM >>

Ryyk Micro Wuukiee Poop Distortion fields everywhere! Spoof? SPOOF? Try re-phasing your FWG-2Bs, High Commander! .. Flaffer's powered up Bravuryyk's MM9 Ultrasonic Moron Sensors - Oh NO! Firing!

<< KA-BLAAH-WOOOOOBOOOOM >>

CAPTAIN - enemy destroyed!

::: Government Openness :::

Admiral, meet Ubrikkian Ascended Master E. Lohim. Greetings, Ambassador! Thank you Marion. How's Earth? F$@%#D! However, as part of Earth's new initiative to promote government openness, the United Nations is answering a citizen's question in moderated alt.alien.visitors.government ng that a Dresselian Battle Cruiser, code named Bravuryyk is really the Ubrikkian Security Agency's Dreadnought Promethean. Secretly under the temporary command of High Commander Hole Flaffer, is uncloaking now - off starboard! Ambassador Lohim would like to stay onboard the Zykor and have a word with Sub Commander Spoof ..

<< BZZZZZZZ-ZZZZZZZ >> High Commander! Captain 6 of 9, welcome aboard the Promethean! Why meet here, Hole Flaffer? Spoof's Top Secret orders from the Council stipulates that Earth's representatives study the Ubrikkian Advanced Research Projects Agency's Interdimensional Holotheater on Science decks A through J. How does this lil' X-file tie into Zykor's mission - Earth's protection from the approaching Ubrikkian Death Star? (See story, part 1-2) ..

::: All Star Golf :::Marion Leet

Deck "E." <ZZZZZZTHUNK> Welcome 6 of 9, gentlemen, to the ALL NEW, Y2K compliant, Admiral Marion Leet's All Star College Golf program! Pyxis Beach #8 to the right, Royce Brook ahead, and Sirius Point #16, left. Impressive, Admiral, where're the holes? Hit stars, Bunkr! Ouch! Captain, you and wise a$$ tee off first? Ok ..

Leet? Yes, Doctor? So exiguous galactic golf crowds aren't covering the huge cash prizes? Just started, Flaffer - freaky program glitch! Good news: We're getting Galactic kudos - and the All Star Tour is starting! Bad news: Once players graduate, they disqualify for cash prizes - so they're either no good, er don't wanna tour! Bummer! Get Bunkr to teach 'em - his Tactical sucks, but he shore can hit Stars!

::: Tonight? :::

Hmmm.. Wuukiees in your bath.. No hair on my chest? Bingo! THAT'S IT - isn't it! Why do you think I incarnated this way? E? Yes, sweetheart? Come 'ere. Closer, E. We've been alternating-gender, soul mates forever! I know - what's your point, Spoof? Every time we're together in the same density .. always thinking about ONE thing - I'm embarrassed! How about my brilliance, my artwork, my pretty bug eyes - have you even noticed my new, cosmetic, pointy ears?

Sorry, Spoofie dear, but it's been YARNS! E, look, take that artificial hair door mat off your chest before I roll off Ops onto the floor laughing!!! Oooops - Gotta jet,

< hug, hug >!

Shit! - broke another custom club! Star golf is nothing like the *real* 8. Pebble Beach, Leet? And Sirius Point can't touch ol' 16! Cypress Point? .. DICK - you're swinging like a rusty R1! Watch! There's a steady, rhythmic flow to every good golf swing - see, doc? It begins with the turning of your chest to initiate a smooth, slow takeaway. Not my PLX-01W, Flaffer! There's also a flow on the transition from backswing to downswing, a backward-to-forward movement in which the arms and the body are momentarily moving in different directions .. oh, what's the use, High Commander ..

If I make this putt Captain I go 3 up and dormie. Flaffer must have lost - Someone did a victory dance on the green - $#%T! Look at those big spikes in my line! Excessive damage; computer - Ruling! ..

<BIZZZZZZ-ZZZUUUUFFFF> How was Royce Brook West, Captain? Too many Bunkr's! Playin' Flaffer next time, E. Don't quit your day job, 6 of 9.! Guests, two more little issues: First, holoden "E" Leet's All Star College would like to formally extend permanent professorships to Admiral Marion Leet and Ambassador Bunkr. Our college needs your experience to keep our Galactic customers happy! Secondly, in an effort to show Earth's United Nations the highest meaning of the Ubrikkian Death Star, the Ubrikkian Aeronautics and Space Administration (UASA) is offering FREE holoden passes to the Ultra Top Secret, Ascension Show, Level "H". Tonight ..

::: Reality Engineering 200 :::

How did UASA holoden engineers do it, Captain - this holo movie is magnificent! And half the stadium left already!?! It's some sort of holoden merge science - weird split reality stuff (UB 5:5; UB 16:6)! The Earth - Photon Belt dance was as if they were one! Grace and elegance of perfect flow and balance! Man, holoden "I" is filthy, why are people moving down there Captain?

Guess what, Bunkr? Ambassador E. Lohim designed the holographic density simulators on all Ubrikkian ships! .. Like that adorable Shorebird Anthem, Bunkr? Eh? - fer da birds! Shorebird metaphor went right over your cute lil' R1 positronics, eh Bunkr? I thought Alana Willet was going to sing, 6 of 9. Hey, look! Hole Flaffer's down on holoden "I" below, Captain! .. Captain??? .. Bitch!

Holy Goose Bumps! Ambassador Lohim - Admiral Leet - Pseth - giant Ubrikkian Light Workers - Shorebirds - the ENTIRE GALAXY is down here! How did they do that? And where did this ash stuff all over the floor come from? - volcano or somethin'? SHUT UP, Bunkr, Alana's getting ready to sing the Grand Finale! I *love* that song, 6 of 9 - and that cute lil' Willet is prettier than the Princess, if you ask me! Gimme some tissues, Captain!

"..now you will, you will when you believe (Matthew 21:22; UB 50:7)! You will when you believe! Just believe .." (Matthew 18:19; UB 31:3) ..

The Photon belt looks mystical down here - a lucent violet - a beautiful flower, blowing lightly in the wind .. soft petals gently waving at the Earth! . Oh, and that heavenly singing .. Notice anything, Bunkr? Rust - on your face, Captain? Whoah! - look who jezza cruised on in! The Mighty King! Hey! - What's he trying to paint up there?!? We may never understand, Bunkr (Isaiah 55:9)! Hmmm.. He's waiting for YOU, Bunkr! Po-lease .. do this for me! ..

Holy DizzyWorld! Feel that!?! Our holoden is moving up - and above deck "H" - ?!? Captain! Look! QUICK! Bunkr - the Earth just shot right through the center of the flower - it's .. MAGNIFICENT! - it's .. totally .. AWESOME ..Huh?

..Who cleaned everything?!? ..

..and this goes to you, Captain! Thank you Princess! A brand new PLX-01W?! I am totally embarrassed! Look, everybody, I was just acting - really! I can't accept this! Open it, Captain! .. It's empty! The King knew. Spoof? .. Look E! A pet Wuukiee! He's soooo cute! .. I'll hold that Spoofie. Flaffer, I know your laughing because of the shape of your present - but it's a NEW one, and Council sees that you are going to wear out the old! Where's Brother Blu? Here Doctor, give this to him ..

..Yea. It doesn't go to the top floor.
Next?
DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!
<Yawn> .. zzz-zzz-zzzz zz z

::: The Beginning .. :::

Note: You may enjoy Cosmic Golf, Part 3 quite a bit more if you have heard this next magnificent song: W. Houston, M. Carey, "When You Believe," Dreamworks, Arista, and Columbia Records. A work of art ..

See also: David Leadbetter, "Leadbetter's Images", Golf Digest, April 1999, pp. 57; Urantia Book (UB) 111:6; http://www.zetatalk.com/transfor/t10.htm; John 8:51; transfor/t07.htm; transfor/t80.htm; poleshft/p28.htm; density/d17.htm; Jonah 3:6-10; Proverbs 3:5-6; Matthew 22:37-39; orientat/o39.htm; transfor/t25.htm; govmt/g22.htm; "System X", "Pseth", "TQ401" from stories like: proto post alpha "Y", "Bully Willet"; and "Cosmic Golf", originally posted as "Flaffing Gas", stories by xenoclastic (Johnny), Usenet, 1998-2002.


::: Paleolithic Cave Art ::: (back to top)

"Conservatives worldwide are becoming suspicious that spirits and ET's have a lot in common," said noted biblical scholar, radio and Religious TV evangel, Dr. Pith E. Canthropus from Croesus, N.J. (transfor/t58.htm; rules/r27.htm). He suggests that alt.alien.visitors.lemmin (after his son's church) be created to investigate the paranormal similitude!

"We're just sick and tired of this new age nonsense!" said Dr. Pith's son, Rev. Erectus Sybarite from Lemmin Cathedral (LC). In Thursday's LC's Oral Examiner, Pastor Chester White from Pigolick Cathedral and his largely esteemed, Erectus colleague said they'd moderate, answering email and post objective, church-approved articles!

::: Ascension Passes! :::

Brother Sybarite explained to a rapt group of suckers, err, believers increased missions pledges will be used to prove to disgusting, sleazy, gray-huggin', delusional, UFO-chasin', booger-pickin', corn-huskin', pickle-packin', anal probin', pimple-poppers that all ETs are DEMONS! Members disagreeing with LC's propaganda, er, revelations - won't git their babies sprinkled or circumcised, and may not qualify to purchase Lemmin's expensive and sacrosanct, escape from the stormy weather, Ascension passes (transfor/t35.htm; myths/m33.htm)!

Adam and Eve::: In The Garden :::

Rev. Sybarite's grandmother, Mrs. Veg E. Tate, 150 last month, passed on yesterday after being comatose and on life support for the last 50 years (beinghum/b14.htm)! A church official who asked not to be identified said Lemmin Cathedral would probably redistribute Granny's $100,000+ monthly artificial life-support payments to sponsor Youth Pastor Rev. Austral O. Pithecines' popular "In The Garden" seminar! Based upon the 37,914 year old story of Adam and Eve (Genesis 2:7; myths/m32.htm; UB 74), members, after probing further, will discover that knowledge about or even looking at genitalia causes warts!

::: Enlightenment! :::

Next week's enlightening, IRC hot hat by Br. Austral describes the evils of masturbation (myths/m52.htm)! Rev. Pithecines threatened Lemmings actually caught engaging in this lewd, sinful, and habit-forming behavior by Rev. Erectus will be excaboobulated - 2nd time offenders sentenced to Hell (myths/m12.htm; Matthew 22:37-39; transfor/t16.htm)!

In a sudden move by LC's "Get Tough On Sin" initiative, LC's callipygian choir director, E. O. Anthropus received a lengthy requital in the Reverend's back office for ministering to enlightened members behind her organ! Her daughter Dawsoni will answer IRC chat allegations from known polygamous church troublemakers (1 Timothy 3:2; myths/m51.htm) and defend the unusually hard punishment!

::: Holy Cheese Cakes! :::

In an emergency, uh, brainless attempt to keep confused and scared shitless LC members from a frikking mass exodus, Lemmin's Missions Director Hesper O. Pithecus mailed 1,000 ET-shaped holy cheese cakes (myths/m30.htm) to all docile idio .. er, members who are posting All-ETs-Are-Demons articles to keep the Cathedral on the Internet! As it came out, trouble-making thrusts by non-contributing members probed by Rev. Erectus were of course all, "How Can Rev. Erectus!" related.

Last week's Lemmin IRC chat disruption by (Holy Promethean Church's) Rev. Br. Whole Flaffer's holoden movie (showing glimpses of REAL ETs; awaken/a93.htm) is causing major Cathedral embarrassment! Lemmin's IRC hot chat will announce at 8:00 P.M. EST that former Lemmin members wishing to renew their annual pledges, will NOT be given any hints or secrets as to where you can learn how to avoid brain-washing issues (http://www.zetatalk.com/beinghum/b02.htm; UB 1:5) in the future!

Bummer! Back to comic books ..

To probe further: science/s24.htm; UB 99:2; thub00.htm; Matthew 7:22-23; transfor/t10.htm; density/d17.htm; transfor/t80.htm; myths/m27.htm; John 3:16; Urantia Book (UB) 74; orientat/o39.htm; UB 31:3; science/s23.htm; John 10:27-30; transfor/t07.htm; beinghum/b00.htm; John 8:51; UB 75:3; worlds/w22.htm; and free online edutainment by xenoclastic (Johnny), Usenet, 1998-2002.
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"What a glorious universe, in that it is personal and progressive, not merely mechanical or even passively perfect!" Solonia, "voice in the Garden." UB 75:8

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